A MEMO FROM THE VATICAN
From: His Holiness
To: All seminaries
Subject: While the Church approves of ordaining “transitory” homosexuals—that is, those men willing to take subways and buses rather than taxis—according to our most recent directive we “cannot admit to the priesthood those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called ‘gay culture.’ ”
The following questionnaire should be used to help identify and root out such truly committed homosexuals.
1. Jesus would have been a bad boyfriend because:
(a) He wasn’t gay or sexual in any way, so the question is disgusting.
(b) He would have cared about everyone, but not enough about you.
(c) He wasn’t really Jewish.
2. Priests traditionally wear black with a white collar because:
(a) The attire is simple and modest.
(b) It’s slimming.
(c) The matching quilted shoulder bag is what really makes the whole thing work.
3. Priests take a vow of poverty because:
(a) It’s selfless and humbling.
(b) It’s handy when the check comes.
(c) It makes their apartments feel larger.
4. Should Kate Moss be allowed to take Communion?
5. If there were a Fox series set in the Vatican, it should star:
(a) Wilfred Brimley, as a wise, compassionate Pontiff.
(b) Jennifer Love Hewitt, as a lovely and devout young nun who can talk to martyrs.
(c) Me and Heath. Period.
6. If you found yourself attracted to another priest, you would:
(a) Ask him to pray with you to battle the sinful urge, over drinks.
(b) Banish all such thoughts from your mind until you lose fifteen pounds.
(c) Ask him, “What’s black and white and wants your number?”
7. When you were watching “The Passion of the Christ,” did you ever think, It’s deeply moving and profoundly important, but it’s not “Chicago”?
The rest is over here...